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Even more hurtful was the night he and I were standing outside a bar in Bushwick and someone we both knew started making racist comments.

While I tried to explain to this man why what he was saying was offensive, my boyfriend stood there in silence.

What I’m craving right now from a partner — more than feeling beautiful, more than anything — is a “black nod” version of a relationship.

I know a man isn’t going to get me through the Trump era.

Whenever I’m standing on a subway platform, I play this game: I hover near a person I think is cute and try to slowly make my way over to him so we get in the same car. Like most of the girls in my class, I wanted attention from the boys.

When we do, I look his way every so often to see if he’s staring back, to see if we’ve got what my best friend and I call “the affinity,” a mutual acknowledgement that we one another. But while they chased after blondes and brunettes, I was ignored.

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Even if I did want to talk about how I feel, I’m not sure I’d be able to articulate it, especially to someone with such a different frame of reference from my own.But the less work I have to do to make him understand how I feel, the better chance I have of getting through the next four years with my head still on. You do not have to join and be a member to get a member's contact info. They’re in the streets, calling senators and congressmen, attending community board meetings, and holding sign-making parties. But while the political universes of my white friends are cracking open, I’m feeling more inclined than ever to cloister myself.I’ve gone on a few dates with white guys in the last few months, and the same thing always happens.

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